Hallowarrior
– (2026) – The supposed last girl on Earth spends Halloween alone (naturally) until she’s visited upon by three other survivors and multiple human monsters. A post-apocalyptic dud that only identifies a few characters, yet can’t do anything significant with any of them. The entirety takes place in one location, so there’s no chance new sets will distract anyone from the monotony. Worse still, the lead is referred to as “Pumpkin” so many times that one might actually want to smash her against pavement.
Buddy
– (2026) – When the mascot of a children’s show starts killing its co-stars, the survivors flee to a protected realm. Meanwhile, in the real world, a woman who believes she forgot about having one of her children is sucked into the show. In other words: huh? The first act is by far the highlight as the morbidity is both disturbing and humorous, but this runs out of gas shortly thereafter. Though some sadism remains, repetition creeps in and drags down the initial enjoyment.
V/H/S/Mixtape
– (2026) – Anthology of four stories that focus on singing puppets, a couple trapped in a cube, a mysterious musician, and a killer recording her murders. If the sole intention of each story was to create a massive headache, then congrats filmmakers, you succeeded admirably since each segment is magnanimously earsplitting. Some of the practical F/X are fine, but they don’t come close to saving the weak stories, the irritating acting, and the utterly meaningless interludes.
Mark of the Witch
– (1970) – A woman who was hung as a witch returns 300 years later in the body of a college student. That’s pretty much all this is about, aside from two guys who try (and fail) to set things straight with the spiritual happenings. It’s goofy enough to skirt by on camp, but nothing that occurs ever raises a pulse.
Onslaught
– (2026) – Three lab enhanced super soldiers make their way to a trailer park where a former sniper keenly protects her daughter. This might be in the same universe as The Guest, but isn’t close to the same league. The mother/daughter drama feels forced while the action/horror dynamic feels underdeveloped. Some of the violence is okay, but there’s simply not enough of it to counteract the dull drama. Essentially, this is about an eternally pissed off woman who takes on cartoon warriors.
4 Halloween
– (2023) – Anthology of four stories that focus on a masked mutilator, a haggard witch, murderous pizza, the undead, and (making this the fifth premise despite the title) clowns from outer space. There isn’t much to say about this that’s remotely positive, so I’ll start with the good news: it ends. Every moment is repulsive, from the acting to the cheap aesthetic to the total lack of competent storytelling. Trust me, you’ll have more fun stomping out a flaming bag of dog shit.
– (2002) – Teens go camping on a site where a man butchered hippies in the ’60s. An okay beginning with decent character camaraderie and moderate smut gives way to a ridiculous twist and a loss of amusement. Dumb.
– (2014) – A freelance cameraman goes through unlawful and unethical means of filming controversial tragedies. Gripping during the first two acts, thanks to a commanding and creepy performance by Jake Gyllenhaal. Takes illogical turns toward the end, and unfortunately winds down on a corny note.
– (1969) – Cavemen endlessly screw in a land where dinosaurs roam. Has no concerns with characters, plot, or meaning, but does pile on an abundance of smut. Softcore junk that only lasts 64-minutes.
Skinned Deep
– (2004) – A young woman is abducted by a twisted family that can seemingly alter reality. An odd concoction of obnoxious characters and over-the-top antics that’s probably best enjoyed on heavy drugs. Forgotten not because it’s atypical, but because it tries too hard to come across as offbeat while lacking any merit in story or characters.
Snowbeast
– (1977) – A yeti picks off skiers at a resort that’s gearing up for a celebration. Mind numbing in its dullness, and does little but rip off Jaws. The monster is barely seen, yet there’s a calm aura that makes the abundant drama almost worth sitting through… almost.
Resident Evil
– (2002) – Soldiers investigate the undead ongoings of a chemical lab beneath a mansion. Moves fast enough to not annoy, but lacks danger and suspense since all the characters are cardboard. Milla Jovovich is never a chore to look at, but the rest is kinetic crap.
Vault of Horror
– (1973) – Anthology of five stories that focus on vampires, a neat freak, a magical rope, a buried man and a voodoo artist. Each tale is pretty bland, but they often finish unpredictably. Moves fast, but never raises the creep factor above moderate.
Clown
– (2014) – A man dons a clown costume he can’t remove, only to discover he’s wearing demon skin. Has a few innovative moments and spots of dark humor, but drags its feet when it needs to pick up the pace. Ruins its own creativity with too many implausible and predictable moments.
Klown Kamp Massacre
– (2010) – Prospective clowns attend a training retreat where they’re terrorized by a sadistic killer. Despite a dirt cheap production, there’s plenty of enjoyment to behold in the plentiful humor and gore. The conclusion is a bit of a stretch, but still leads to some truly funny moments.